45 posts tagged “funny”

I don't mind admitting that I have a very dry sense of humor. I find things amusing that other people just do not. So, when we rented the movie "The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy" a few years ago, it wasn't surprising to my wife that I found it hilarious. While my daughter and I (who also shares my sense of humor) were rolling on the floor laughing, my wife was rolling her eyes wondering what we were finding to laugh at.

On a whim I did a search on quotes from "The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy". I found myself smiling and sometimes laughing out loud to some of the things I read. Realizing that not everyone will find this funny, I want to share one of the quotes that I found quite amusing:

It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. --The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Maybe you have had something like this happen to you:

The other day I knew we were planning to have tacos for dinner so I decided to stop and get a 2 liter Coke on the way home from work. Walmart is right on the way, but I hate running in there for just one item, so I stopped at the CVS which is just off the main road.

I rushed in and went to the soft drink aisle only to find that they were completely out of Coca Cola. I didn't really want Pepsi, but since that was all they had I picked up a bottle and headed to the checkout counter.

At the checkout line a customer was pitching a fit about their passport photos. The lady behind the counter kept trying to explain the situation, but the irate customer refused to listen. This went on for about five minutes and didn't look like it was anywhere near ending. Frustrated, I put the Pepsi back on the shelf, telling myself that I really didn't want Pepsi anyway, and decided to run into K-Mart which was in the same shopping center.

In K-Mart, I walked all the way to the food aisle (and it wasn't a short walk) and was happy to see plenty of Coca Cola. I quickly grabbed one and went to checkout. When I almost got there I pulled out my wallet and was mystified to find only $2.00. (I thought I had more than that, but later remembered that I had left my other cash at home). Unfortunately, the Coke was more than that so I wasn't going to have enough.

Sighing heavily, I walked all the way back to the food aisle (still not a short walk), put the Coke back on the shelf and once again grabbed a 2 liter of Pepsi (although I still really wanted Coke) because it was only $1.29.

By the time I got up to the front of the store (of course there was only one checkout lane open) a line had magically formed and there were seven people standing in it, two of which had full shopping carts.

I didn't even stop walking. I just placed the Pepsi on the conveyor belt of one of the eight unused checkout lanes and headed out the door.

We had sweet tea with our tacos that night... and it never tasted so good.  

The church we are attending has seats instead of pews. I went in about halfway and sat down beside an older man. On the other side of him was an older woman, so I assumed they were a couple. After the song service we all sat down and I noticed that the man had sat in the woman's seat instead of his. She didn't know he was there and sat down right on his lap. She immediately jumped up and so did he. He scrambled back to his seat, apologizing profusely. I just watched, slightly amused. After a few moments he leaned over to me and whispered, "I meet more women that way."  

I turned toward him with a look of astonishment on my face. He simply smiled. I don't know if it actually worked out for him, but after the service I did see him talking to her.      

I was talking to my wife the other day and she mentioned that her tummy was upset. I said to her, "You know, most men would never use the word tummy."

"What?"

"The word tummy. Most men would never use it in a sentence."

"Why not?"

"I don't know... it just seems like... like a feminine word."

Sarcastically, she asked me, "Well, what would a "real" man say instead?

I responded with, "Stomach. A "real" man would say stomach. It's possible that he would use the word belly, but that even has a slightly feminine edge to it."

This started a conversation on other words that I would never use and I think I can speak for a lot of other men as well. I have listed some of them below. Feel free to add any.

TUMMY - Stomach.

PANTIES - Come on! Moms, never tell your son to put on his panties. Use the word underwear please.

PEE-PEE (POTTY) - This is mostly used in potty training. "Did you go pee-pee (potty)?" How about simply, "Did you go pee"?

POO-POO (POTTY) - Again with the potty training. "Did you go poo-poo (potty)?" Isn't it confusing to a child anyway to use the same phrase for both body functions? This is where us guys have to almost give in because there isn't really a good way to say this. I mean, it just wouldn't be right to say to a two year old, "Did you take a sh**?" Even "Did you take a crap" is inappropriate. So, most of us will use a variant of poo-poo and say poop. It still doesn't feel right to say it, but I don't think there are too many alternatives.

BOO-BOO - Not to be confused with poo-poo. There are plenty of other things you can say here instead like hurt, pain, scratch, laceration, gouge, severed limb, decapitation. It all depends on the situation. 

YUCKY - Disgusting, terrible, unpleasant, nasty, vulgar, gross.

ICKY - See above.  

KITTY CAT - It's just plain ole' cat. OK?

I know there are plenty of others, but I honestly can't think of any right now. I actually went to Google and tried to find some more, but either I didn't use the right search term or there just aren't a lot of people really concerned about this sort of thingy... I mean, uh... thing.

After the restaurant we were looking forward to our planned walk on the beach. My friend had told us that it wasn't far away and we found the road without any problems. The houses slowly started to thin out and after a while there was nothing but palmetto bushes and wet lands. It got to be pretty desolate and I was beginning to think we were on a road to nowhere when we finally saw a sign for a state park. As we came up to it both of us laughed. It wasn't a beach. It was a small sliver of land that had been cleared out on the edge of the Gulf.

We shook our heads and pulled into a small parking lot. The sign indicated there was a pier, so we got out and decided to take a walk. We couldn't see the pier because of the heavy tree cover so we walked up the wooden pathway that led to it. After a short walk we saw the pier extending out into the Gulf. The wind was blowing really hard that night and once we got past the trees it nearly blew us over. We headed out onto the pier with the wind to our backs. It was blowing so hard that there were white caps on the water and we  made it about 3/4 of the way when I said, "I don't really need to go all the way to the end. Do you?"

Donna answered with a quick no so we turned around and walked back. The wooden pathway veered off the the right toward the "beach" so we went that way. By now we were back under the trees and the wind was blocked. The pathway snaked through scrubby looking trees and hundreds of palmetto bushes. There were also small, brackish colored pools of water all around making it look more like a swamp than something you would see along a beach.

We finally came to a clearing and found the beach. There was plenty of sand, obviously shipped in, and we took off our shoes to get the whole effect and started walking on it. The wind was terrible, but there were still a few kids in water. Two boys in a canoe caught our attention. They were desperately trying to paddle against the wind and they weren't getting anywhere. They were, however, having a blast doing it.

There was a man with a metal detector. He had his headphones on and he was steadily swinging it back and forth. We passed a picnic table and a woman in shorts was sitting there, apparently watching her kids. She had on shorts and she had more tattoos than I think I have ever seen on a woman. I don't recall any of the pictures, but her legs were almost completely covered.

It took us all of about three minutes to walk most of the beach, but one portion of it was completely covered by seagulls, so we turned around to head back. As we headed back to the pathway the wind seemed to pick up and sand started pelting us from the rear. Donna let out a slight yell as the stinging grains slammed into the backs of her legs. We hurried off the beach to the cover of the pathway and slowly made it back to the car.

So, that was our romantic walk on the beach, but we made the best of it. Any time spent together is time well spent.         

I read this story in the newspaper yesterday and had to pass it on:

MURRAY, Utah (AP) — A thief remains at large after pulling off a daring heist — in the pet food aisle.

Surveillance video at a supermarket in this Salt Lake City suburb caught a dog shoplifting, KSL-TV reported Wednesday.

The video showed the dog walking in the front door of Smith's Food & Drug in Murray, and heading straight to Aisle 16, the pet food aisle, where it grabbed a bone worth $2.79.

The thief wasn't even perturbed by a face-to-face confrontation with store manager Roger Adamson.

"I looked at him. I said 'Drop it!'" Adamson said. "He looked at me, and I looked at him, and he ran for the door and away he went, right out the front door."

Information from: KSL-TV, http://www.ksl.com/

I got up early this morning to review my Sunday School lesson and as I was sitting in the computer room I heard a low "Mmmmmm" sound. I thought it was the cell phone on vibrate, but it didn't happen again so I ignored it. About ten minutes later I heard it again. This time, I got up and looked for my wife's cell, but when I found it there were no missed calls.

I sat back down and started to read some more when the dog started barking. I jumped up and opened the front door, quietly telling him to get out of the house before he woke everyone up. As I closed the front door and turned around I found the source of the weird sound. Staring at me through the glass panes of the back door was a large, red cow.

I made it to the back door and looked out to find a total of three cows on the back porch and at least five more in the back yard. I flung the door open to run them off the porch and promptly stepped my bare foot into a large, wet cow patty. The cows stood there for a moment, not knowing what to do until I reached over and picked up a mop that my wife had leaned against the back wall to dry.

Like a ninja on the war path I started running at the cows who immediately turned and ran into the yard. I must have looked ridiculous chasing around after them while wearing my palm tree sleeping shorts and a t-shirt, screaming like a banshee and swinging the mop over my head. To top it off, as I was going after them, I was trying to run and drag my foot through the grass in an attempt to scrape off the cow crap.

In my heightened adrenaline state I managed to get all of the cows back into my parent's field (my nephew had left the gate open ) and then I went back to our house to survey the damage. Cows are clumsy creatures and they will knock anything over that is standing up. Every potted plant that was on the back porch was sitting on its side and there was cow manure everywhere. If I didn't know better, I would think they all purposefully waited until they got in my back yard to do their business.

Needless to say, my nephew got to bring his shovel over to remove the odorous gifts. Then, I broke out the pressure washer and gave the back porch a good cleaning.

Animals - I just love them (not!)

Read more of my animal stories below:

Animal Lover

It's for the pigs... really! 

Another Animal Adventure

And still a few more that include...

Cutting open a dead cow.

Wrestling a crazy sheep.

Carrying two goats to the market in the front of the truck.

Participating in an old fashioned rat killling.  

The following information was going around the office yesterday. I have no idea who wrote it, but as someone who lives in Florida, it really made me laugh. In no way, shape or form is it meant to be disrespectful to the people who are still recovering from  Hurricane Ike or any of the other hurricanes that have hit the U.S. in recent years.

HURRICANE PREPAREDNESS

We have entered the hurricane season. Every day till December 1st, you'll turn on the TV to see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological points:

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple 3-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least 3 days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets 2 basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company that will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, most Floridians have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors and, if it's a major hurricane, all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.

 
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps ... and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can with stand hurricane winds.  You can be sure of this because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

HURRICANE PROOFING YOUR PROPERTY:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license.  If it reads " Florida ," you live in a low-lying area. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

a) 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that, when the power goes off, turn out to be the wrong size for the flashlights or are old batteries with no power.
b) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
c) 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
d) A big knife that you can strap to your leg.  (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
e) A large quantity of raw chicken to placate the alligators. Ask anybody who went thru Andrew ... after the hurricane, for sure there WILL be irate, pissed off alligators.
f) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck! And remember .... It's great living in Paradise . Hurricane season will be over December 1st and then it's SNOWBIRD season. Don't EVEN get me started on that ...

A short time after I woke up from surgery, one of the nurses came to me with a pair of wire snips tied to a string.

"What are these for?" I asked.

In a casual tone of voice, the nurse answered, "If you throw up, you have a good chance of drowning since your mouth is wired shut. Keep these wire cutters around your neck at all times and if you throw up... start cutting."

The horrified look on my face must have sparked a little compassion because after unloading that piece of good news, she said, "But don't worry about it, we haven't lost anyone yet."

Needless to say, I put the wire cutters around my neck right then and kept them close to my heart for the next six weeks. There was only one time during that period that I felt like I was going to throw up and it was my own fault.

My diet consisted of liquids, soft foods and Ensure. After a while, that gets pretty old. One night, my wife ordered a pizza from Little Caesar's for her and the kids. We sat down to eat together, me with my liquid drink and them with the pizza, but the smell was just too much for me. At that point I would have done anything for a slice of pizza. I tried to pull some off and shove it in the small opening between my teeth, but it wouldn't go. So, in desperation, I decided to eat it the way I was eating everything else… in liquid form.

I took a piece of pizza and put it in the blender. There wasn't enough liquid to make it drinkable, so I poured some of the extra pizza sauce in with it. I finally got it to a consistency that would allow me to suck it through a straw and took a big drink, hardly able to control my excitement about tasting something that wasn't bland.

It was by all accounts one of the worst things I have ever tasted (for future reference, pizza in the blender does not taste good). I felt my stomach start to heave and I frantically reached for my wire cutters, hoping that I wouldn't have to use them. Thankfully, my stomach settled down and I was happy to stick with Ensure from that point on.

The day finally arrived when I got the wires removed from my mouth. I handed over the wire cutters, telling the technician, "I guess I won't be needing these any more." He just smiled and proceeded to remove the wires from my mouth.

It took almost thirty minutes for him to get done. I realized about halfway through this torturous ordeal that there was no way I could have cut the wires off myself. When I asked about it later, the doctor confirmed that the main reason for the wire cutters was to make me feel safe. I guess it worked... but I sure felt like an idiot afterwards. 

What teenagers do when they are bored (at least mine). A video of my son and daughter goofing off a couple of years ago. Watch closely and you can see my daughter (the one wearing the black wig) lose her false teeth.