42 posts tagged “humorous”
I don't mind admitting that I have a very dry sense of humor. I find things amusing that other people just do not. So, when we rented the movie "The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy" a few years ago, it wasn't surprising to my wife that I found it hilarious. While my daughter and I (who also shares my sense of humor) were rolling on the floor laughing, my wife was rolling her eyes wondering what we were finding to laugh at.
On a whim I did a search on quotes from "The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy". I found myself smiling and sometimes laughing out loud to some of the things I read. Realizing that not everyone will find this funny, I want to share one of the quotes that I found quite amusing:
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination. --The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Maybe you have had something like this happen to you:
The other day I knew we were planning to have tacos for dinner so I decided to stop and get a 2 liter Coke on the way home from work. Walmart is right on the way, but I hate running in there for just one item, so I stopped at the CVS which is just off the main road.
I rushed in and went to the soft drink aisle only to find that they were completely out of Coca Cola. I didn't really want Pepsi, but since that was all they had I picked up a bottle and headed to the checkout counter.
At the checkout line a customer was pitching a fit about their passport photos. The lady behind the counter kept trying to explain the situation, but the irate customer refused to listen. This went on for about five minutes and didn't look like it was anywhere near ending. Frustrated, I put the Pepsi back on the shelf, telling myself that I really didn't want Pepsi anyway, and decided to run into K-Mart which was in the same shopping center.
In K-Mart, I walked all the way to the food aisle (and it wasn't a short walk) and was happy to see plenty of Coca Cola. I quickly grabbed one and went to checkout. When I almost got there I pulled out my wallet and was mystified to find only $2.00. (I thought I had more than that, but later remembered that I had left my other cash at home). Unfortunately, the Coke was more than that so I wasn't going to have enough.
Sighing heavily, I walked all the way back to the food aisle (still not a short walk), put the Coke back on the shelf and once again grabbed a 2 liter of Pepsi (although I still really wanted Coke) because it was only $1.29.
By the time I got up to the front of the store (of course there was only one checkout lane open) a line had magically formed and there were seven people standing in it, two of which had full shopping carts.
I didn't even stop walking. I just placed the Pepsi on the conveyor belt of one of the eight unused checkout lanes and headed out the door.
We had sweet tea with our tacos that night... and it never tasted so good.
When I was a teenager my grandfather bought a digital watch. The same day he bought it he called me up completely frustrated over the fact that he couldn’t figure out how to set it. I went to his house, read the instructions and set it for him. Then, I went over the functions of the watch and how to use them. His first response was, “Why in the h*** would I need an alarm and a stop watch? I just want to know what time it is.”
He always had trouble reading the numbers, especially when it was getting dark. I tried to show him the button on the side that would light up the face, but every time he tried to use it he would hit the wrong button and kick the watch into a different mode. Eventually he would call me up fighting mad and I would have to go reset it for him.
He put up with it until daylight savings time rolled around. To his credit, he tried to set it an hour ahead, but just couldn’t do it. Not too long after that he bought a new watch. This one had an old fashioned dial with large numbers. The digital watch went in the trash can.
I was at my parent’s house recently and they have Direct TV with a DVR. For the life of me I couldn’t figure out how to work the DVR remote (I have a hard enough time with the TV itself). I quickly found myself wishing my thirteen year old son was there so he could do it for me. I hate to admit it, but I'm just not as technologically savvy as I used to be. Sounds like my grandfather and his watch all over again.
The church we are attending has seats instead of pews. I went in about halfway and sat down beside an older man. On the other side of him was an older woman, so I assumed they were a couple. After the song service we all sat down and I noticed that the man had sat in the woman's seat instead of his. She didn't know he was there and sat down right on his lap. She immediately jumped up and so did he. He scrambled back to his seat, apologizing profusely. I just watched, slightly amused. After a few moments he leaned over to me and whispered, "I meet more women that way."
I turned toward him with a look of astonishment on my face. He simply smiled. I don't know if it actually worked out for him, but after the service I did see him talking to her.
I was talking to my wife the other day and she mentioned that her tummy was upset. I said to her, "You know, most men would never use the word tummy."
"What?"
"The word tummy. Most men would never use it in a sentence."
"Why not?"
"I don't know... it just seems like... like a feminine word."
Sarcastically, she asked me, "Well, what would a "real" man say instead?
I responded with, "Stomach. A "real" man would say stomach. It's possible that he would use the word belly, but that even has a slightly feminine edge to it."
This started a conversation on other words that I would never use and I think I can speak for a lot of other men as well. I have listed some of them below. Feel free to add any.
TUMMY - Stomach.
PANTIES - Come on! Moms, never tell your son to put on his panties. Use the word underwear please.
PEE-PEE (POTTY) - This is mostly used in potty training. "Did you go pee-pee (potty)?" How about simply, "Did you go pee"?
POO-POO (POTTY) - Again with the potty training. "Did you go poo-poo (potty)?" Isn't it confusing to a child anyway to use the same phrase for both body functions? This is where us guys have to almost give in because there isn't really a good way to say this. I mean, it just wouldn't be right to say to a two year old, "Did you take a sh**?" Even "Did you take a crap" is inappropriate. So, most of us will use a variant of poo-poo and say poop. It still doesn't feel right to say it, but I don't think there are too many alternatives.
BOO-BOO - Not to be confused with poo-poo. There are plenty of other things you can say here instead like hurt, pain, scratch, laceration, gouge, severed limb, decapitation. It all depends on the situation.
YUCKY - Disgusting, terrible, unpleasant, nasty, vulgar, gross.
ICKY - See above.
KITTY CAT - It's just plain ole' cat. OK?
I know there are plenty of others, but I honestly can't think of any right now. I actually went to Google and tried to find some more, but either I didn't use the right search term or there just aren't a lot of people really concerned about this sort of thingy... I mean, uh... thing.
After the restaurant we were looking forward to our planned walk on the beach. My friend had told us that it wasn't far away and we found the road without any problems. The houses slowly started to thin out and after a while there was nothing but palmetto bushes and wet lands. It got to be pretty desolate and I was beginning to think we were on a road to nowhere when we finally saw a sign for a state park. As we came up to it both of us laughed. It wasn't a beach. It was a small sliver of land that had been cleared out on the edge of the Gulf.
We shook our heads and pulled into a small parking lot. The sign indicated there was a pier, so we got out and decided to take a walk. We couldn't see the pier because of the heavy tree cover so we walked up the wooden pathway that led to it. After a short walk we saw the pier extending out into the Gulf. The wind was blowing really hard that night and once we got past the trees it nearly blew us over. We headed out onto the pier with the wind to our backs. It was blowing so hard that there were white caps on the water and we made it about 3/4 of the way when I said, "I don't really need to go all the way to the end. Do you?"
Donna answered with a quick no so we turned around and walked back. The wooden pathway veered off the the right toward the "beach" so we went that way. By now we were back under the trees and the wind was blocked. The pathway snaked through scrubby looking trees and hundreds of palmetto bushes. There were also small, brackish colored pools of water all around making it look more like a swamp than something you would see along a beach.
We finally came to a clearing and found the beach. There was plenty of sand, obviously shipped in, and we took off our shoes to get the whole effect and started walking on it. The wind was terrible, but there were still a few kids in water. Two boys in a canoe caught our attention. They were desperately trying to paddle against the wind and they weren't getting anywhere. They were, however, having a blast doing it.
There was a man with a metal detector. He had his headphones on and he was steadily swinging it back and forth. We passed a picnic table and a woman in shorts was sitting there, apparently watching her kids. She had on shorts and she had more tattoos than I think I have ever seen on a woman. I don't recall any of the pictures, but her legs were almost completely covered.
It took us all of about three minutes to walk most of the beach, but one portion of it was completely covered by seagulls, so we turned around to head back. As we headed back to the pathway the wind seemed to pick up and sand started pelting us from the rear. Donna let out a slight yell as the stinging grains slammed into the backs of her legs. We hurried off the beach to the cover of the pathway and slowly made it back to the car.
So, that was our romantic walk on the beach, but we made the best of it. Any time spent together is time well spent.
One of the first sights worth mentioning wasn’t in the restaurant but on a billboard along the road to Crystal River. It advertised in big letters the date of the upcoming “Cooter Festival”. Being from Florida, I know that a cooter is another word for a turtle. It was also the name of a colorful character on the old “Dukes of Hazzard” television show. And, in some circles, it is a slang word for a certain part of the female anatomy. My wife and I laughed at the fact that any of the three would, in fact, have some sort of festival named after them and we spent some time laughing at the possibility of any such event.
The first thing we noticed after being seated at the restaurant was the people who were at the table beside us. There were two couples, possibly in their fifties, and they were having a very good time. We know this because they were extremely loud. The women carried on a conversation at the same time as the men and all were trying to talk as loud as possible. Thankfully, they left shortly after we arrived and as they were leaving my wife noticed that both men had on t-shirts with off the wall comments. The man in the front had something advertising an "Albino Skunk Festival" while the second man had a cartoon picture of a woman skiing behind an airboat on the back of his shirt. Her bikini was in the process of flying off and she held a silly smile on her face (who knows, maybe she was headed to the Cooter Fest!).
Not too long after they left another couple came in. I’m not sure why some men do this but he had his pants pulled up so far that they were literally around the center of his belly. Because he had them so high they had become high waters. I only mention this because if you are a man who happens to do this… STOP!!! It looks ridiculous.
There were a lot of older couples at the restaurant and one of the women on the patio caught my attention. If I didn’t’ know my mother was at home I could have sworn that it was her because this woman looked exactly like her. Her hair was the same color, she wore it in the same style and she even had the same kind of glasses. After I pointed her out to Donna neither one of us could take our eyes off of her.
There were a lot of young couples too and one such couple ventured out onto the patio and stopped right outside of our window to talk to some friends. She had on a short, white dress and as they stood there with their backs to us the young man reached over, placed his left hand on her rear end and lingered there for quite some time, getting a good feel in the process. We weren’t the only ones with a ring side seat to this as there were plenty of tables placed next to the large window. It didn’t seem to bother the couple that they were on display and he eventually removed his hand and they moved along. I had no idea that dinner actually included a show.
Those were the most colorful characters from our adventure at Crackers Restaurant in Crystal River, Florida. Even with the bad service provided by the staff of the restaurant it might be worth going back one day just to sit and people watch.
Next entry I will definitely get to our romantic (still a big laugh) walk on the beach.
Yesterday, March 28th, my wife and I celebrated twenty-two years of marriage. A friend of mine suggested a restaurant in Crystal River called “Crackers”. He also said that it was close to a state park that would allow us to take a walk along the beach afterwards. Since the beach has a sentimental place for us (it was on the beach in St. Augustine that I proposed and part of our honeymoon was spent along the beaches of Biloxi, Mississippi), I thought this sounded like the perfect evening.
The drive to Crystal River took about forty-five minutes, but it was a nice drive and we spent the time talking about various things. We found the restaurant relatively easy and parked to go in. Upon entering we were met by a young man who seated us. This was the first person we dealt with, but he set the pattern for what was to follow. There was no welcome or smile as he spoke to us, he simply asked, “Inside or outside?” Since the wind was horrendous yesterday we chose inside and he walked us to a table, set the menus on the table, seated us and left without another word.
There were large windows around the entire building and we were seated with a view of the marina and the patio to the restaurant which was lined with tables set underneath tiki huts. We glanced through the menu and by the time our waitress finally arrived we had picked out what we wanted to eat. The waitress did not introduce herself nor do anything that would make us feel welcome. She asked us for our drink order, we told her we were ready to order food, she took the order and, just like the host who seated us, left without another word.
It was at this point that my wife and I both started paying attention to the other waitresses and every one of them, with the exception of one, was short and impersonal to the patrons at their tables.
When our food arrived it was brought by someone other than our waitress and she literally plopped the plates on the table and left. The only thing that salvaged the poor service was the food itself. Donna ordered the shrimp and I ordered shrimp and grouper fingers. There was an overabundance of food along with a salad and baked potato and it was all extremely good. The whole experience reminded me of the sign outside of a restaurant that I once saw that touted, “GREAT FOOD, LOUSY SERVICE.”
We finished eating and the waitress had not returned to our table one time. However, she did manage to make it back after the meal was over with the bill. The bill ended up being $30.95 and I handed her $40.00. She came back a few minutes later with a carryout box, but didn’t leave my change. I told Donna, “She had better bring my change back because there’s no way I’m leaving her a 30% tip!”
So we waited, but the waitress had disappeared. Now I started to get mad. It’s bad enough to have poor service, but no one is going to rip me off. After more than five minutes I finally spotted her poking her head around a corner and flagged her down. She slapped her head like she forgot and then promptly brought me my $9.05 in change. The only thing she had to say for herself when I asked her what took so long was, “I’m sorry.”
That, in a nutshell, was the dinner portion of our anniversary. There is plenty more to come about the rest of the evening so I have decided to break it down into parts. What I don’t want to give is the impression that we had a bad time at the restaurant. We walked away from there knowing that we had shared a nice meal together and we have been married long enough that things like poor service couldn’t possibly ruin a night out together.
Next entry… some of the sights at the restaurant and possibly a description of our romantic (big laugh) walk on the beach.
As I grow older I find it harder and harder to sleep in. I've been in a special event at work and have put in twelve to thirteen hour days all week. Every morning I was finding it harder and harder to get out of bed so I was really looking forward to sleeping in this morning. My body, however, had different ideas.
I'm starting to think that as the years go by my body is literally talking to me. The conversation this morning went something like this:
BODY: Hey! Wake up.
ME: No. I want to sleep in today.
BODY: You're not a young man anymore. You're over half way through your life so don't waste it in bed!
ME: Leave me alone.
BODY: Listen, if you don't wake up I'll jab you with all kinds of aches and pains.
ME: I'll just ignore them.
BODY: Okay then, I'll make your bladder feel like it's going to burst. Ignore that!
ME: Come on, that's not fair.
BODY: One way or another your getting out of bed.
ME: Why don't you get a life?
BODY: That's what I'm trying to do, but you want to sleep it away.
So, here I am wide awake on a Saturday morning writing silly entries for my blog. Body... I hope you're happy!
I read this story in the newspaper yesterday and had to pass it on:
MURRAY, Utah (AP) — A thief remains at large after pulling off a daring heist — in the pet food aisle.
Surveillance video at a supermarket in this Salt Lake City suburb caught a dog shoplifting, KSL-TV reported Wednesday.
The video showed the dog walking in the front door of Smith's Food & Drug in Murray, and heading straight to Aisle 16, the pet food aisle, where it grabbed a bone worth $2.79.
The thief wasn't even perturbed by a face-to-face confrontation with store manager Roger Adamson.
"I looked at him. I said 'Drop it!'" Adamson said. "He looked at me, and I looked at him, and he ran for the door and away he went, right out the front door."
Information from: KSL-TV, http://www.ksl.com/
